| "Hi dear, how are you?"
"Good."
[pause]
"Where are your shoes?"
"Who needs shoes?"
"You're gonna cut your feet!"
"Don't worry about it."
And that details the story of the advice I received today from my former high school lunchlady. | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | My ass reads "dicks go here," in sharpie, with two arrows pointing into my asshole, following the highway ride home from the frisbee tournament in Ken's van. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today I saw a mallard and a female duck, presumably his wife, hanging out in my pool. I threw them some bread, but they left after a while.
Maybe they'll make it their home. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today I walked by a dog and barked at it, as I normally do, and it barked back. It was probably saying something like "Hey, you're a dog, come over here, let's party." I'll never know though, I don't speak dog.
R.I.P. Jama Joyce | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I was standing in line for foursquare when I caught the scent of a familiar flatulent odor. I turned around to the third grader behind me in line and said:
"Jasmine, did you fart?"
"You did," she said immediately.
"Uhh, what makes you say that?"
"I heard."
I paused, smiled, and said "Hey, you're all right." | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Today at the bowling alley, there was a large group of mentally retarded people a few lanes down from us. I guess they were on some kind of outing from their home that they live in, but I don't know how that whole system works.
So anyway, I got a strike and did a handstand and fell to the floor when I couldn't execute my textbook hand-pivot and feet landing, and one of them died laughing at me. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So far I've been accepted to Northeastern and UVM... am I the man or what?
The answer is no, I am not.
However, if you are looking for the man, you need not look any further.
 | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I walk into the kitchen.
"Should I make a salad or-" my mom began to ask.
"I have to fuckin' take a dump," I said matter-of-factly. This was followed by a short pause.
"I'll make a salad," she said. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| You might say that I spent a part of my morning in my room, shirtless, after my shower pretending that I was Jim Morrison.
The side of the room with my bed was the audience. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| "So what, my left ribcage is bigger than my right, big deal!" I said
"No, I just never noticed it before," said my boss, Michelle. "I don't stare at your chest all the time."
"That makes one of us." | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Today, I realized that I enjoy my job when, while riding on a self-propelled wheeled device intended for a toddler, I got pumped that my boss told me I could use glitter glue whil making snowflakes in art. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Today I recieved my first haircut in one year, three months and about six days.
To get it started, the lady who cut it put it all in a ponytail, all 11 inches of it, and cut off the ponytail and let me keep it, still in the elastic. After she cut just the ponytail, I had a haircut similar to that of Audrey Tautou in Amelie. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| "You're gonna go what?" my mom asked.
"Drop heat," I repeated.
First puzzled, her face then contorted into disgust.
"You don't need to tell me, I just figured out what that is." | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| "...and that's actually a language from a country called [says gibberish into mic]... it's way up there. Y'know, like, right between Iceland and... Graceland... [trails off]"
He was off like an airplane, and wouldn't worry his life away. He played an encore, and in that, Mr. A-Z was the geek in the pink. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
swortzy's journal
